While you certainly want to have a fun and fulfilling partnership with your SO, passion can fade over time — especially once the so-called honeymoon phase is over. But keep in mind, a lack of passion in your relationship doesn’t automatically mean things are doomed. In fact, in many ways, less passion can actually be a good thing.
That’s because passion is often synonymous with drama and heated emotions, and that can be a symptom of a dysfunctional relationship, as well as one that has unhealthy patterns. Sure, it’s great to be head-over-heels for your partner, and it’s fun to have wild debates that last into the night. But when it comes to having a healthy, long-term relationship that’s built to last, these things shouldn’t necessarily be what’s keeping you together.
“If all you have is passion and no other connection emotionally, when life has its up and downs, the relationship usually doesn’t survive,” Chicago-based dating expert Stef Safran tells Bustle. That’s why the boring aspects of a relationship — like a sex life that has slowed down over time, or quieter evenings — are often a sign of healthier situation. Read on for more ways a lack of passion can actually be a good thing.
1. You Aren’t Having Sex As Often
If your sex life starts to slow down, don’t panic. “[It] doesn’t mean you have a loveless [relationship],” Bonnie Winston, a celebrity matchmaker, tells Bustle. “Decades of proven evidence says that the average couple’s passion lasts just a few years. That means if you aren’t really compatible in other areas, there’s a good chance that your relationship won’t stand the test of time.” So, the fact you’re still together, even though you’re no longer having sex 24/7, can be a sign of high compatibility.
2. You Aren’t 100 Percent Attracted To Each Other
It’s great if you think your partner is the sexiest person alive. But if you’re obsessed with the fact they’re an 11 on the hotness scale, it could be a sign you’re a little too passionate. “I tell my clients that if you see someone at a bar, party, or the dry cleaners and on a scale of one to 10, you feel this person is an 11. run, do not walk away,” Winston says. “You are so attracted to that person because they have the issues you never worked out with a relative, parent, or difficult circumstance . It will be a pattern that repeats itself.” In other words, that 11 might make for a fun hookup; not necessarily a stable relationship.
3. Your SO Has Become Your Best Friend
If, in the beginning, your lives were focused on passion, be grateful that things have simmered down to a healthy, supportive friendship (with plenty of sex, too, if that’s what you want). “I believe warm intimacy between people can actually be a stronger predictor of relationship happiness than passion,” says April Davis, owner and founder of the matchmaking service LUMA. “[Passion] is important, but being friends first is key to life-long happiness with someone. We need the support, love, similar goals, and aspirations of our partner to keep passion alive.”
4. Your Conversations Aren’t As Exciting
While it’s healthy for couples to speak their minds, and even argue occasionally, it’s perfectly OK if those heated debates have lessened over the years. “When it’s the absence of drama created by two people triggering each other’s safety issues (and spending more time in fight/flight than in love), then it’s a good thing,” says relationship coach and podcast host Neil Sattin. “And when the lack of ‘excitement’ creates space for two people to experience the kind of connection that women seeking woman website comes from deep presence with, and acceptance of, each other, then it’s an amazing thing.”