You tried as much as you could, but it is not in you
What really breaks me is that he is my best friend in the whole world, and without him I’m lost, If I were to break up it would break both our hearts a lot and I don’t think we could manage to still be friends, it doesn’t help that we now have a distance relationship because we study. What would break me the most is if I were to leave him and he really would commit suicide even though he promised not to, I just feel that if he is holding things back from himself because he prioritizes me, then he will never be happy. I want for him to, if that’s his wish, become a lovely female with a lovely partner who loves her a lot and doesn’t judge, but like I said I’m so confused and sometimes I just want to end my life over it, I have been on the verge of cutting myself but hesitated because I don’t want people seeing the scar and questioning it.
The only comforting thought if I were to leave would be that he is living on, hopefully happy at last, but I don’t want to ask myself in a couple of years “I wonder what happened to –, I loved him more than anything”… I’m sorry for the long comment, I just needed to get this out of my system, I don’t really expect an answer, you can even delete it if you want to, this was my way of not loosing it today ^^ with all respects.
I even started calling him her, desperately looking for dresses with fluffy skirts that would hide the fact that he has no hips, practicing voices, having sex in different/reversed positions, applying makeup, fixing his hair, putting a dress on him and trying to have sex while he was looking like that to see if I could enjoy it, if I could make myself enjoy it. When It became clear to me that I wouldn’t enjoy it because I’m straight I started making logical reasons that it wouldn’t be fair to him because he wants to be a female, that I should kill my love for him so that I could be with a man in the future. That’s why I’m www.installmentloansvirginia.net/cities/arlington/ confused over him suddenly wanting to proceed being a man, is not so depressed anymore and apparently “has thought about this option for a long time”, what? Because a week before he says this, we are practicing how to make his voice feminine! He states that he has indeed thought of this but didn’t want to burden me anymore by voicing it, making me more confused, as he is still confused and doesn’t know what he wants. It helps me a lot knowing he has a psychiatrist whom he visits weekly, that way it feels like he is telling the truth at least. But I remember when I called him my girlfriend, he would brighten up like no other, telling him he looked pretty in a dress would make him giggle, and before I voiced my confusion he seemed… happier. Maybe I should end it simply because I don’t know and I don’t want to take any risks, but isn’t life made of risks?
I wish I would be in your shoes
I feel the same as you do! I can’t see him as a woman and I can’t love a woman. I can be friends with a woman, but not crazy in love. I like man for all their masculinity and behavior. It is not easy for him, but it’s not your problem to deal with. It sounds like your life is not happy, it is tormented. Is that love? If you are not happy with the changes and if you don’t feel fulfilled by this relationship, it is just a one way love not two ways the way how it should be in a relationship.