It’s not something that makes sense. It’s not something that ever did. But I also suppose, it’s not something that has to.
This is why I consider you my first love. The one I don’t think I’ll ever truly get over. Because of our times together. Because of how I loved you. Because I still cry over it every now and then, even though I don’t like you. Because of how I wish you were still you. Because of how many times I wish I could call you up and tell you I miss you. Because of how I won’t. Because of how you’re the subject of my best written songs. Because I’m able to write this.
Contrary to how this sounds, I am moved on. I have a wonderful guy whom I love, more than I’ve ever loved anyone, including you. I have great best friends who are always there for me. I am me. But me, still misses the old you. And that’s the part of you that’s embedded in my heart. I don’t hate you. I want the best for you. I want to thank you for giving me 
good enough and bad enough times that I remember them so vividly. I learned a lot from you, my character is changed because of you. And this is where I leave you.
Maybe someday we’ll be friends again. Maybe someday you’ll be you again. Maybe someday, we’ll again talk, and maybe someday you’ll see this. Or maybe I’ll just tell you.
I Love This Feeling
Shaking uncontrollably from nervousness while giving out compliments. Reading the replies and feeling the positive vibes radiate through the text.
I found me today. I don’t know how, but I’m too excited to be bugged down with the details. I’m back, baby. And I’m staying for good.
Just Kidding.
Nobody read my last rant anyways. So, I dub this a safe place to vent all of my frustrations! *woo*
I realized today (in a however-many-hours-long crying-fit for two) that I have much bigger problems that what my last post was about. Fuck the last post. This matters so much more.
Just kidding, I can’t actually write about this with a good conscience, since it involves the love of my life.
Friday,
I find it interesting. That my biggest inspiration is still my (seemingly) biggest pain. But not that unbearable-I-refuse-to-think-about-it pain, but the I-still-torture-myself-thinking-about-it pain that I still can’t seem to get over. But. Maybe this is one of those things you just never get over.
Every once in awhile, usually when all seems dandy for the few seconds it ever does, that’s when he comes back into my head. What the fuck this isn’t supposed to still happen! This is long gone!
I guess. It’s because it’s how I feel the most. Well, the things that make me feel the most are love, music, art, and love.
But Kayla, how can you love heartache? I don’t love the heartache, I love what it used to be. I loved what it was until the heartbreak, and that’s what makes it so apparent. But Kayla, aren’t you happy with your love life now? Absolutely. But one of the past still sticks with me. Do you still love him? The first love guy? No, but I still have love for who he used to be, who I thought he was. But my heart belongs to my current boyfriend and love of my life, Mark. Well, then why does this bother you? Because a chunk of that heart is gone because of the first love. Ohh.