Emotional connections to sex, lack of intimacy or loss of trust with a partner, self-image issues, or boredom all can result in a lower interest in sex
As the old saying goes, opposites attract. That maxim stems from the idea that you’re attracted to someone who’s different from you because they add a little spice to your life and bring something new to the table. Practically speaking, you can learn a lot (and become a better human being all-around) by dating someone whose background and beliefs don’t look like yours. But are some differences too big to overcome? Early signs you’re not compatible with your partner can come in many forms. Incompatibility can look like butting heads about big things, like values and goals, or it can look like frequent disagreements about the little things, like how you make the bed or when you schedule date night.
When it comes to relationship incompatibility, love coach Susan Winter previously told Elite senior sizzle mobile site Daily it’s a matter of “potential” versus “actualization.” That’s to say, when you first start dating or seeing someone, you take that leap of faith based on your partner’s potential. Actually making it work is matter of actualization. “Establishing a viable connection is step one in the process. Focusing on one partner is the second part, which reveals whether they have the needed skill set for partnership,” Winter said.
Relationship coach Miku, who runs relationship coaching service Love Notes by M, says that if “one partner is more invested in the relationship than the other,” it might be a sign of incompatibility
Whether you’ve had problems since day one, or they’ve just cropped up post-honeymoon phase, here are five early signs you and your partner aren’t compatible, and what you can do about them.
Do you find yourself putting 110% into getting date nights and holiday plans together, whereas your partner can barely remember your anniversary? Or, do you feel like bae goes all in for your birthday and Valentine’s Day, while you don’t feel super compelled to do the same? Take note.
This imbalance may have even come into play in the very early stages of your relationship. “If your date cancels plans early on, doesn’t return text messages, or keeps showing up late, it’s not going to be better later on. This is a behavioral trait that shows lack of respect,” Winter told Elite Daily. “If your date doesn’t make you feel like a priority early on, it’s not going to get better with time.”
Another sign you and your partner might be incompatible is if “your core values heavily contrast,” Miku says, like your “views on monogamy [versus] non-monogamy, marriage, children, religion, and finances.” Sometimes, agreeing to disagree, especially on politics and religion, can work just fine for some couples.
But if you find that you’re constantly arguing about the upcoming election or how you two live out your faith, you might want to re-consider your partnership. Likewise, if your partner wants to be in an open relationship when you’re all about monogamy, or they’re recklessly spending on your dime, or they just aren’t as into the same priorities as you, it might be time to have some hard conversations.
One partner having a higher sex drive than the other is a fairly common occurrence, simply because of the fact that most people’s libidos ebb and flow over time. It’s unrealistic to expect that you and your partner will want to have sex the same amount of times, every single time, over the course of your entire relationship.
That being said, if you find you or your partner don’t want to initiate sex very often or at all, that’s worth discussing. More than just a sign of incompatibility, it can also be indicative of something greater at play.